The Planned Demise of Timothy McGee
by nicol-leoraine
Summary: The team having a little fun on a boring day. Written for the challenge on LFWS Session 4, Round 3


**Title**: The Planned Demise of Timothy McGee

**Character(s)**: The team, Abby Sciuto

**Genre(s)**: Humor

**Word Count**: 996

**Beta-reader**: Tania

**A/N:** _Written for the challenge on LFWS Session 4, Round 3. The prompt was - Boring Day: What does the team do in the bullpen/lab/autopsy when there's no case? Write a day when the team has no case. Do they work on cold cases? Catch up with paper work? Write it! Word count may not exceed 1000._

**A/N2**: _Happy to note that the fic won the round! Yay!_

oOoOo

"I would kill for a case." Tony groaned, as his head hit the desk. It was a slow day in the office- heck, it was a slow week. Most of the paperwork was done; the desks were littered with cold cases that had already been re-read several times. Boredom had hit even Gibbs. He had spent most of the day down at the gym, beating the crap out of every member of his team. Tony was afraid that if they didn't come up with something better to do, the ex-marine would spend another day on the mat. He was still aching from the last round. "Just one tiny case." Tony whined, and would have continued if not for the loud snort coming from Ziva's desk.

Frowning, Tony raised his head. "What's so funny?"

"If you killed someone, we would have a case, which means you killing someone wouldn't be necessary." Ziva explained, whilst Tony frowned, trying to make sense of it.

"DiNozzo's not killing anyone, at least not on my watch." Gibbs said as he walked in, hiding his smirk behind fresh coffee. Catching his agents unaware always lifted his mood.

"But Boss, it would be entirely for professional purposes."

"You really wanna be accused of another murder?" McGee leered, not noticing Abby until she bumped him in the biceps.

"That wasn't a nice thing to say." She admonished, and then looked at Tony with serious eyes.

"Who do you wanna kill? Just say the name; I'll take care of it. Did you know I can get rid of anyone without leaving any evidence?''

Tony leaned back, a devious smile spreading on his face. Ziva raised her eyebrows and made herself comfortable, while Gibbs sipped his coffee in silence, watching.

"You know, Abbs, there's one probationary agent that's been getting on my nerves lately. Do you have any tips on body disposal?" he asked calmly, giving McGee a contemplative stare.

The probie squirmed in his chair as Abby rose to the challenge.

"Well, that would be easy. You could use sulphuric acid to dissolve it and dump the sludge into the ocean. You know, it's not the disposal that's tricky, it's the killing itself." Abby mused, not seeing that McGee's eyes went wide.

"Hey! Don't help him kill me!" He finally managed to squeak out in protest, and Abby looked down at him indignantly.

"Don't be stupid, Timmy. Of course I'm not helping him kill you." Before McGee could let out a relieved sigh, Abby added: "I'm just helping him dispose of the body. The process of killing will be entirely in Tony's hands."

"Thanks," Tony said with a gratuitous smile.

"You're welcome." Abby answered. McGee opened his mouth only to close it. With a shake of his head and hands thrown in the air, he relented to the game.

"Okay. So how would you kill me, Tony?" he asked. Tony clapped his hands and straightened in his chair, his face suddenly thoughtful and serious.

"Well, the easiest way would be to wait till you finished work, follow you home, and shoot you on the way to your apartment. There are plenty of bushes around the parking lot, and only two cameras, which are easy to avoid." Tony rubbed his chin, looking just a tad too serious for McGee's liking. Before he could protest to such a crude plan however, Ziva leaped in.

"I wouldn't use a gun. There's too much evidence and you'd be overheard."

"So what would you use, Ninja ZZzzeevah?"

"A knife, of course. And it would be better to wait for him in his apartment. The locks on his door are easy to pick, or I could get a copy of his keys. No risk of witnesses."

"What about all the blood? If you do it at the apartment, there's bound to be DNA left on the scene." Abby jumped in. "And I would like to see you try and get the body out of the apartment unnoticed.''

"True, getting the body out might be a problem." Ziva agreed, looking at McGee like one would at a pound of meat. "Maybe pulling him into the bushes, slicing his throat and shoving him into the trunk of a stolen car would work better. What do you think, Tony?"

"I don't like using knifes." Tony protested with a whine and Ziva rolled her eyes, clearly stating he was a wimp.

"You're all amateurs, guys." Abby sighed and shook her head. "I would use some really neat toxin that's impossible to identify and simply wait. No blood, no DNA, no case." Abby smiled and McGee barely stopped a groan.

"Boss?" he pleaded, not sure what he was even waiting for.

"I'd say…don't quit your day jobs." Gibbs said to Tony and Ziva, and then looked right at McGee. "And you better not piss off Abby. Now, if you kids are done plotting McGee's murder, we should get back to trying to solve some cases."

The debate was over and almost forgotten by the end of the day, when McGee parked his car at his usual place. He was already halfway to the apartment building when the conversation popped into his head and he turned around, scanning the bushes, searching out the cameras. Tony was right, there were only two. Suddenly, it became hard to swallow and McGee felt a shiver ran down his spine. The bushes that only moments ago were still, whispered threateningly. He stood there frozen for almost two minutes, and then left the parking lot in a half-stealthy ninja mood, as Tony would say. Only when he had done a quick sweep of his apartment and collapsed into the bed without finding any killers did McGee allow himself to relax. He was gonna have a talk with the building's administrator and make sure that the parking lot's security would be tightened. After all, Tony and Ziva weren't the only people he might piss off in the near future.

The End


End file.
